How to Be a Better Listener in Relationships: Tips for Men to Build Trust and Intimacy
Communication in relationships doesn't just rely on what and how things are said..
It’s nurtured by what’s being heard.
Before words can build bridges, there’s a deeper foundation that often gets overlooked..
Listening.
Real listening isn’t passive; it’s an active, present, and intentional way of being with another person.
It’s where connection begins, grows, and heals.
Let’s break down the different layers of listening and how they can completely shift the way you communicate and connect.
Why Listening Is the Key to Building Trust and Intimacy
Trust and intimacy are the bedrock of strong relationships, but they aren’t built through grand declarations or fleeting moments of connection.
They’re cultivated slowly, intentionally, through the way you show up, and especially in how you listen.
Listening is more than hearing words; it’s about understanding someone’s experience.
When you focus on what someone is saying without filtering it through your own needs or assumptions, you create space for them to feel safe and valued.
That feeling of safety is the foundation of trust.
Trust grows when your partner knows they can share their truth without being dismissed, judged, or ignored.
And when trust is present, intimacy (both emotional and physical) flourishes.
The magic of listening lies in prioritising their experience above your internal reactions.
Instead of waiting for your turn to respond or defend yourself, you regulate your own emotions to stay open to theirs.
Consider phrases like:
"I heard you say that when XYZ happens, it makes you feel... Am I getting that right?"
"It sounds like this has been really tough for you. Tell me more."
"I care about you, and I want to understand this better. What do you need from me?"
Listening like this isn’t passive. It’s an act of generosity and courage.
It requires setting aside ego, quieting your defensiveness, and offering your presence as a gift.
By listening with the intention of understanding (not responding or rebutting!) you show that your partner matters, that their voice matters.
And that’s where trust and intimacy begin to grow.
3 Levels of Listening: Tips Every Aussie Bloke Can Use
Level 1: Listening to Myself
This is the starting point.
Checking in with your inner world. What’s happening in your body, heart, and mind?
Before diving into a conversation, take a moment to tune into your own feelings and needs.
What’s the benefit?
If you’re disconnected from yourself, it’s hard to show up authentically or respond thoughtfully.
Self-awareness sets the tone for how you engage with others.
Example:
Mid-argument, instead of firing back, pause. Breathe.
Ask yourself..
What am I feeling right now? What do I actually need here?
Level 2: Listening to Myself and my partner
This is where empathy enters the room.
You stay connected to your internal experience while making space to fully receive the other person.
What’s the benefit?
When you balance self-awareness with genuine curiosity about someone else, you create a safe and open environment for connection.
Example:
Your partner shares something they’re struggling with.
While staying aware of your reactions, you focus on their words, tone, and emotions.
You might say..
“When you say that, what does that mean for you…?”
Level 3: Listening to Us/The Bigger Picture
This is where it gets next level. It’s not just about you or me anymore, it’s about us.
You’re tuned into the connection between you both and the context surrounding your conversation.
What’s the benefit?
This perspective shifts the focus from “who’s right” to “how do we move forward together?”
It invites collaboration, understanding, and shared solutions.
Example:
Tensions are high during a disagreement.
You step back and say…
“This isn’t feeling productive. How about we pause, breathe, and come back to this together?”
How to Practise Active Listening Every Day
Listening isn’t just a skill; it’s an act of love.
Here’s how to bring it into your everyday conversations:
Be present: Put the phone down. Let your eyes, body, and energy show you’re fully here.
Reflect back: Show you’ve understood. Try, “So what I’m hearing is…”
Offer empathy: Resist the urge to fix. Sometimes all they need is, “That sounds really tough.”
Stay curious: Ask open-ended questions, like, “What’s that like for you?”
Common Challenges Men Face in Listening and How to Overcome Them
Listening might seem straightforward, but for many men, it can feel like navigating a minefield.
Here are some of the most common challenges men face when it comes to truly listening:
1. Centring Themselves in the Conversation
Focusing on how their partner’s words affect them instead of staying with what their partner is trying to communicate.
Interrupting to correct, clarify, or defend instead of letting the speaker feel fully heard.
Turning the conversation into an opportunity to share their own perspective or struggles.
2. Struggling to Regulate Emotional Responses
Feeling defensive when feedback feels critical, leading to shutting down or escalating the conversation.
Reacting with anger, frustration, or withdrawal because the emotional discomfort feels too overwhelming.
Focusing on their need to “win” the argument or prove their point instead of understanding the bigger picture.
3. Defaulting to Fixing or Problem-Solving
Responding with solutions rather than empathy, e.g., “Here’s what you should do...” instead of “I hear how tough this is for you.”
Minimising their partner’s feelings by trying to “make it better” instead of acknowledging the depth of the experience.
4. Distractions and Lack of Presence
Being physically present but emotionally checked out—nodding along without really hearing.
Letting external distractions like phones, stress, or work pull focus away from the conversation.
5. Misinterpreting or Filtering
Hearing only what aligns with their own perspective or experience, rather than what’s actually being said.
Making assumptions about their partner’s intent without asking clarifying questions.
Understanding these challenges isn’t about feeling shame—it’s about recognising where things get stuck so you can learn to move differently. When you name the barriers, you start to gain the tools to break them down.
Examples of Listening Techniques to Improve Your Connection
When it comes to active listening, it’s not about waiting your turn to speak—it’s about giving your partner the space to fully express themselves and feel understood. These techniques help create connection by prioritising their experience, not your reaction.
Using “You Statements” to Shift Focus
Instead of centering yourself, flip the conversation towards what they’re trying to communicate.
"What I’m hearing is that when XYZ happens, it makes you feel..."
"You’ve been dealing with a lot lately—it sounds exhausting. Am I getting that right?"
"So what you’re really asking is for me to step up in this way—did I understand you correctly?"
Reflecting Back What You Hear
Show that you’re listening by literally summarising and reflecting back the same words the other person has said (without adding your own spin).
"It sounds like what’s really bothering you is... Is that accurate?"
"I hear you saying that this has been really hard. What else is going on for you?"
"If I’m understanding correctly, you’re saying you need XYZ from me. Did I get that right?"
Using Empathy to Validate Their Experience
Validation doesn’t mean you agree with what someone else is saying, it means you understand what they’re saying and how they feel about.
"That sounds incredibly difficult. I can see why you’d feel that way."
"It makes sense that you’d feel hurt after that happened."
"Thanks for sharing that with me—I imagine it wasn’t easy to say."
Giving Reassurance Without Fixing
Instead of jumping to solutions too quickly, stay with their feelings.
"I really care about what you’re going through, and I want to understand it better."
"This is clearly important to you, and I want to be supportive."
"Let me know what you need from me. I’m here and I’m listen."
Creating a Safe Space
Ensure they feel safe to open up by regulating your own emotions and staying grounded.
Breathe deeply to manage your defensiveness before responding.
Use calm, open body language (no crossed arms or looking away).
Gently ask, "Am I missing anything that you’re saying? Is there more you want me to know about this?"
Active listening isn’t about getting it perfect, rather it’s about making the effort to connect.
By using these techniques, you prioritise their voice, their experience, and the trust that keeps relationships strong.
The Path to Better Communication Starts Here
When you truly listen, you’re saying…
I see you. I hear you. You matter.
That kind of presence builds trust, eases conflict, and deepens relationships.
So next time you’re in a conversation, check in:
Am I listening to myself?
Am I really hearing them?
Are we navigating this together?
Start there.
That’s where connection begins.
From that foundation, the words will come and they’ll mean so much more.
At Strong Space Counselling, we help men build better connections through better listening.
If you’re struggling to communicate, feeling stuck in conflict, or want deeper trust in your relationships, we’re here to help.
Our space is practical, safe, and focused on what works for you. No shame, no judgement.
It’s about understanding yourself, showing up differently, and creating the relationships you want.
Ready to take the next step?
FAQ
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Listening is crucial because it shows your partner that their feelings and experiences matter. When you listen actively, you build trust, reduce conflict, and create emotional safety (all of which strengthen intimacy and connection).
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Men can improve their listening skills by practicing active listening techniques, such as reflecting back what they hear, asking open-ended questions, and focusing on understanding their partner’s perspective without jumping to solutions or defensiveness.
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Active listening includes using phrases like:
"I hear you saying that..."
"It sounds like you’re feeling..."
"Tell me more about how that affected you."
These responses show empathy and help validate your partner’s experience.
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Listening builds trust by creating a safe environment where your partner feels heard and valued. When you prioritise their experience and regulate your own emotional reactions, it fosters deeper connection and mutual respect.
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Common mistakes include centering themselves in the conversation, reacting defensively, interrupting, offering solutions too quickly, or getting distracted. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward improvement.