10 Effective Tips and Strategies to Control Your Anger
Anger is a paradox for many men.
It’s often the only emotion we feel society has given us permission to express, and yet when we do, there’s (understandable) backlash and we’re shamed for it.
It’s no wonder so many men feel confused and frustrated about their relationship with anger.
Let me tell you: one of the most important things men get wrong is that the goal likely isn’t to actually “control” the anger.
You don’t need to button it up and push it down, pretending it’s not there.
Be honest with me, do you like it when people try to control you?
When they try to push you down and shove you away?
Of course you don’t. No one does.
So what makes you think it’ll be okay when you do it to yourself?
What if you actually learnt how to do the opposite of trying to control the anger?
What if you got curious about it?
What if you connected with it?
Really leaned in and worked hard to understand it?
In my experience, that's the most effective way of kicking off the change process.
So, in keeping with this theme, the following article won’t be about shutting away your anger.
It will be about turning towards it, taking a good, long look at what it's trying to tell you.
By connecting with your anger, instead of trying to dominate it, my hope is that you will start to build a genuine and real relationship with this part of yourself.
One that’s strong enough to hold the tougher emotions and gentle enough to care for what might be underneath.
Understanding Anger: More Than Just an Emotion
What Anger Represents
Can we all agree that, by and large, anger is almost never just anger.
It’s the loud, tough part of you trying to protect something else.
Something more tender.
Something that maybe feels threatened.
Often, there are parts that are feeling hurt, fear, shame, or sadness.
The trick is not to run away from those feelings, but to learn to turn towards them with greater curiosity.
You might ask yourself: What’s beneath the surface here? What is my angry part protecting?
This certainly isn’t about giving in to fragility; it’s about facing your vulnerabilities with courage and honesty.
(And, this concept may take some time for you and your system to get used to and accept, which is perfectly normal.)
Early Conditioning and Anger
Take this opportunity now to think back to your early years.
What messages did you get about anger?
Was it something that earned you punishment, isolation and disconnection?
Was it something that you watched adults use as a weapon (against each other, or maybe even against you)?
Where there people in your life that were allowed to get angry (Adults; Men; Dad) and others who weren’t (Kids; Women; Mum)?
Those experiences play foundational roles in influences and shaping how we “do” anger today, whether we blow up or shut down.
If you were taught that anger is dangerous, then chances are, you’re still reacting from that same place (by either weaponising your own anger, or shutting it down out of fear of it hurting others).
But guess what?
These patterns and beliefs that were formed so long ago may no longer be true anymore.
You’re not a helpless, powerless child/kid anymore.
You’re the adult now.
You get to decide whether those old responses are effective or healthy, or whether it’s time to update the system and choose a new way.
Social and Cultural Influences
We’re all swimming in the same cultural soup.
You know what I’m talking about.
The macho man who takes no shit from anyone.
The guy who’s always in control, never vulnerable.
The bloke who shows off his money, but has nothing to show for it.
This cultural cycle held up by ‘traditional’ masculine traits and ‘man box’ culture is poisonous, and reinforces to so many men that anger is the only real emotion they are allowed to have and express.
But this kind of conditioning keeps us all stuck.
It narrows us.
Anger becomes the default because we’re terrified of being seen as weak.
And if you were a boy raised by caregivers and a society that would use anger to control or manipulate you into submission or compliance, then you likely had your first lesson very early on in the effectiveness of anger’s power to exert dominance, and display what I would now consider to be an extremely warped and ineffective expression of strength.
If you want a real life that is full, loving, and connected, you’re going to have to challenge those outdated and unhelpful messages and beliefs.
Anger is by no means a weakness, but don’t forget that neither are the parts that go unnoticed underneath it.
Anger vs. Safety: Understanding the Risks
Anger in Relationships
Anger, when expressed without care, is a wrecking ball in relationships.
Trust me when I say, it doesn’t matter if you’re the biggest, toughest guy out there. Anger that harms others ultimately harms you at the same time.
The wounds that anger can leave extend far beyond physical harm, wreaking havoc on the emotional and psychological well-being of everyone around you.
I bet most people reading this could name three, five, or even ten instances right now, on the spot, of times their caregivers got angry with them as a child.
Maybe there was some physical punishment, sure.
But I bet you remember that sick feeling in your gut, the sensation of your stomach dropping.
Maybe your whole body froze in fear when you heard the first hint of anger—the look on their face, the fury in their eyes.
I wonder if you remember the fear of not knowing what would happen next, wanting to run and hide from the person who was supposed to make you feel safe.
Maybe you learnt that anger was a force to be feared, something that would strip away your sense of safety in a heart beat.
Or maybe you learnt that anger was tool for power, a way to control others, to dominate, to assert yourself when you felt small.
Either way, those experiences didn’t just vanish when you grew up.
They became a part of how you “do” anger now.
Which is actually helpful, because you can think back on and use your memories of how anger was handled and how it made you feel to work towards change now.
Ask yourself, “If they could have done it differently back then, how would I have wanted them to react and respond?”
Learn to check in with yourself and take responsibility before you unleash your fury on those you love.
Anger is a signal that something’s not right, that something needs to change, but it has to be handled in a way that doesn’t leave destruction in its wake.
You can’t control everything, but you can always take responsibility for how your anger impacts those you love.
The Role of Grandiosity and Entitlement
Now, let’s get honest.
Sometimes anger comes from entitlement, a belief that you deserve something and, damn it, you’re not getting it.
But beneath entitlement is almost always insecurity.
“I’m not being respected.” = I am not worthy of respect.
“I’m not being valued.” = I don’t have any value.
When you pull back the curtain on grandiosity, you usually find a small, frightened part that just wants to be seen.
Address that part honestly.
Name the insecurity, the vulnerability, and let it be heard.
It’s far more effective than stomping your feet like an angry child.
Impact Over Intent
Here’s the deal: Intent matters, but impact matters more.
You might think your anger is justified (and maybe sometimes it even is).
But how is it landing on the people you love?
Are they feeling hurt, scared, pushed away?
If your intention is to be heard or respected, but the impact is disconnection and fear, then it’s not working.
Responsibility isn’t about blame; it’s about adjusting your actions to align with your values.
Your anger might be valid, but it’s your job to express it in a way that fosters connection, not one that pushes the most important people in your life away.
Reframing Anger: From Control to Connection
Changing the Language
Let’s stop talking about ‘controlling’ anger.
You’re not a prison guard, and your emotions aren’t inmates.
How about we start talking about ‘connecting’ with it instead?
If you want others to hear you, you best start practising by listening to yourself.
Anger has a reason for being there.
It’s a part of you that needs attention.
Treat it like that, like a kid who’s upset.
Listen. Hear what that part is trying to tell you. Give it space and time.
That’s how we build real resilience, not by strangling our emotions into submission, but by facing them head-on, with curiosity and care.
The Paradox of Anger Permission and Shame
Society hands us a confusing message: Be strong, be assertive, but the moment you really show anger, you’re shamed for it.
No wonder we’re all walking on eggshells.
The trick is to find a middle ground, a way to own your anger, to honour it without letting it become a weapon.
It’s okay to be angry, but how you choose to express it makes all the difference.
Are you being assertive or just being an arsehole?
There’s a line, and learning where that is can change the game.
10 Practical Steps to Connect with Your Anger
Recognise Your Anger Triggers: Know what sets you off. Is it disrespect? Feeling unheard? Once you identify your triggers, you can start to prepare for them.
Understand the Underlying Emotion: Anger is usually a cover for something deeper, hurt, fear, embarrassment. Dig deeper.
Dialogue with Your Anger: Sit down and have a conversation with it. What is it really trying to protect? Listen without judgement.
Breathing and Grounding Techniques: When anger rises, it can be helpful to slow it down. Breathe. Get grounded. The goal isn’t to suppress, it’s to buy yourself some time to respond.
Journaling Exercises: Write down what happened when you got angry. What did you feel underneath it? What would you do differently?
Create Boundaries for Safe Expression: It's okay to be angry, but learn to do it safely. Set boundaries to protect those around you.
Reflect on the Impact: How did your anger affect others? If the impact doesn’t match your intent, adjust your approach.
Develop Alternative Coping Skills: Find healthier outlets, talk to a mate, go for a run, paint something.
Acknowledge Shame and Guilt: Often, anger is just shame in disguise. When you see it for what it is, it loses its hold.
Seek Support if Needed: There’s no shame in asking for help. Therapy, men’s groups, mates, find a place where you can be real about your struggles.
Choosing the Future You Want
Imagine a life where anger doesn’t call the shots.
Where you can feel it without being driven by it.
Where you can handle the hard moments with a steady hand.
This isn’t about being ‘better,’ it’s about being real.
It’s about showing up in your life with honesty and courage, even when it’s hard.
Especially when it’s hard.
There’s a future waiting for you where you can be strong without needing to dominate, where you can be respected without needing to control.
Anger can be an ally if you’re willing to understand it, a force that drives change instead of destruction.
Take the step.
Choose connection, not suppression.
This is your life, and you deserve to live it fully, with all the parts of yourself working together.
At Strong Space, we’re here to walk that path with you, part by part, step by step.
It’s time to make anger work for you, not against you.
Anger can either fuel your growth or hold you back.
At Strong Space, we’ll guide you in transforming anger into a tool for connection and purpose.
Click here to book your free call and take back control.